why can't I be happy in the present and the immediate future? Why do I have to screw up every good thing that happens to me? Paulson's perfect (for me, not in general lol), so why can't I just wait until the end of June when I get to see him? I'm insanely unreasonable, I know, but a part of me is saying that if he really wanted to be with me, he wouldn't even let me consider breaking up. And I honestly believe that he's trying to do what's right, and let me choose what I want, but this long-distance thing is so hard that I don't even know what I want. I can't always be the strong one, especially when both my personal and academic life are in shambles. I need him to fight for us, and he isn't. I wish I could let him know that I need him to tell me that I'm being stupid, that I'm making the wrong decision. He needs to call me up and refuse to accept me breaking up with him. He needs to tell me that I'm just being unreasonable or hormonal or something, and that he loves me and that, come June, I'll be so happy that I stuck with this thing, even if long distance is shitty.
But life is no fairy tale and he won't call me to tell me that, because he wants to respect my decision. Because, chances are he loves me more than I realize, and I just threw that away.
Which is why I hate myself. QED.
Dear lovely, we will have a very good discussion about this soon.
ReplyDelete